We’ve all been there. Naked, but for the duvet cover you wrestle with as it is somehow too hot and too cold at the same time, head splitting as if Thor is thundering Mjölnir against your temple and your stomach convulses as if a Xenomorph is ready to burst out and finally, mercifully, finish you off. Oh, how I love a good hangover. After over a decade of legal drinking, coupled with the previous decade of not so lawful intoxication, I’ve trialled bizarre, brilliant and down right disgusting cures for the most popular of self-induced illnesses. This trial and error exploration has given me three different hangover cures designed to combat the cruel consequence of a good nights drinking.
The Wake ‘n’ Bake
Since getting married, this delightful and mellow hangover cure has become almost obsolete due to its duvet-day inducing lethargy. Since becoming a parent it has become merely one of those tales I tell younger friends who are still able to drink without the burdens of real adulthood. Truth be told, for myself, the classic wake ‘n’ bake is no longer a viable or acceptable option; and I cannot even remember the last time I enjoyed one. The method is simple. When you get in from a night of toasting everything from the barman pouring your first round to the landlord calling time; roll up a joint and put it somewhere you can reach easily from wherever it is you crash out. If you are so gone that the only choice you have is to pull the duvet over you as you lay in the bath, legs sprawled over the edge, so you can pivot to the toilet to expel your stomachs contents then turn to the sink for rehydration straight from the tap; then its best to have that trusty spliff in the bathroom with you. When you awaken in the morning, feeling like you’ve been thrown into a rubbish truck and compacted into a tiny square person, squashed and sore all over, just light it up, take a few tokes and let the wonderful THC put you back to sleep for a couple of hours (making sure you extinguish said joint properly before doing so of course).
Failing a return to peaceful slumber, the wake ‘n’ bake will at the very least reduce the pounding headache, relax those painful stomach cramps and give you the appetite required to shovel down a fry up to soak up the remaining booze in your system. Either way, that dastardly hangover is soon to be no more. The drawbacks? Well, it relinquishes any chance of you having a productive day as it is after all, marijuana. Not an option if you have work to do or a child to take care of.
If like me you are a parent or have work to go to then you have one option, one that despite not relinquishing you of the hangover, does subside the effects enough to function relatively well. This magical, mystical semi-cure? Water.
Alcohol dehydrates you to the point of sickness, replenishing those lost liquids is key to regaining functionality. Consume a healthy sized glass of water between drinks in preparation for the impending misery the next morning. In advance ensure you have a Lucozade stocked fridge, this will work far better than a caffeine filled energy drink that will actually make things worse. Keep the largest glass you have at home filled with H20 next to the bed and sip, NOT gulp, little and often. When you awaken, continue until you are able to eat. Use the Lucozade between glasses of water and not only will your body rehydrate itself, but your energy will gradually rise.
Bare in mind, you will still feel like shit, you may want some paracetamol for that throbbing temple and a greasy breakfast to soak up the excess booze still floating around inside you. It’s a slow process, but you will have some semblance of self-control and the ability to do what you need to do, just not as quickly or as proficiently. This sadly, is my go-to hangover cure nowadays.
The Emergency Wake Up
Finally, there is the cure that gives you the ability to function for a brief time but then return to bed. If last night you were out celebrating a colleagues birthday but now you’ve woken up to a Thursday morning and you have to walk the little one to school, you need a good hour of clarity and energy. This is when the trusty old Red Bull comes in. It is probably at least partly responsible for your churning stomach and aching head as you remember pouring Jagaer bomb after Jagaer bomb down your gullet while forcing the entire pub to endure your abysmal rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” but, it is now your short-term salvation.
Drink water as soon as possible, I read somewhere that water will wake you up quicker than coffee, which for a caffeine addict like myself is hard to accept, but tried and true. When you have that stomach lining of clear liquid, consume as much Red Bull as you can keep down until you are able to go back to bed and sleep off the remaining hangover discomfort. This, in my case, only works for brief periods of time. When I have tried to do this for an entire shift at work, it has just made that uncomfortable stomach all the more unbearable.
Of course, the best way to defeat a hangover is to simply not drink, but why the fuck would any of us want to do that? Good luck with your next hangover, and if you have better cure please, for the love of single malts, let me know!
Please drink responsibly. Never drink and drive, always remember that alcohol remains in your system for varying timeframes and driving with a hangover can be both reckless and dangerous. Also, this author does not condone the use of illegal substances or drinking to success.
Regardless of what he may or may not have done in his all but forgotten youth. Or you know, last week.